i swear you look right through me

I saw him today...Chad I mean. After swim. When I first walked out I couldn't see him as he was standing at the foot of the stairs but then I did...and I couldn't stop looking over at him. It was like I wanted to make eye contact. I don't know what I would have done if he had looked my way, probably put my head down as soon as possible, but I just wanted him to see me. I don't know what I expected to see in his eyes and I don't even know if I could have handled it but in that moment I just wanted him to look at me, with pain, anger...indifference I don't know what would have been worse, but I got nothing.

I was the one who knew his telephone number off my heart before everyone.

As I walked to the car I couldn't help but glance out of the corner of my eye at him standing there as I put my bags in the backseat. I couldn't help but glance at him as I took my seat in front. But he never glanced my way. He remained there in the drizzle of the late afternoon rain standing stoically, indifferent to my futile attempts.

I was the one who would talk to him at night before everyone.

When my dad started driving off I wanted nothing more then to yell for him to stop. I wanted to turn around and ask Chad if he needed a drive home. I just wanted to talk to him.

I was the one who knew his middle name before everyone.

But I didn't. As we drove away, I fought back yet more tears as I thought of how far we have come... I am someone who firmly believes in that there is such a thing as too late. It feels too late, I don't know how to talk to him anymore, I don't know what to say, I don't know how to fix my mess.

The thing is, I know that if I told Chad what happened he would have laughed at me, "Anna, why didn't you just say something?" I can imagine him, laughing, shaking his head at me. Thinking I was being silly.

I feel so bad for just leaving him there, standing outside while it was sprinkling without even asking him if he needed a ride... I am sure he had one but this sitution feels like one huge metaphor that I don't like the translation to...

As I got in the car one of my favorite songs was playing Someone Like You by Adele. But this time when I listened to her voice the lyrics told a whole new tale."Old friend, why are you so shy?" "I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded/That for me it isn't over./Never mind, I'll find someone like you/I wish nothing but the best for you too/Don't forget me, I beg/I remember you said,"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,/Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,"Yeah."

No, for me it isn't over but I don't think I will every find someone like him. There will never be anyone who could take his place or even compare. And it hurts so much to think that. I haven't come to terms with this and I feel as if I never will.

I flipped through radio stations trying to find a station that wouldn't remind me of him. Country wouldn't do, we both enjoyed country and that made me think of "our song". Rock 'n' Roll it was then. But I couldn't get our song out of my head. Years and years and years ago while on the phone Chad and I discovered that we both enjoyed a certain song, Chad out of the blue said, "That'll be our song, Anna!" It was a little odd at the time none-the-less I enjoyed it. Now in hindsight, it is as if he predicted the end of our friendship... The song was, Like We Never Loved At All-Faith Hill ft. Tim McGraw.

"I swear you looked right through me/But I'm still living with your goodbye/And you're just going on with your life/How can you just walk on by/Without one tear in your eye?/Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?/Maybe that's just your way/Of dealing with the pain/Forgetting everything between our rise and fall"

"So tell me what your secret is?/To letting go, letting go like you did, like you did"

update

Alright so let's recap what has happened since yesterdays post. I talked to the teacher and she isn't mad at me, told me to keep searching and we have some of the photos on a different source so I am going to track them down for her. I...finished the swim meet. Did completely terrible on my 100 fly. So bad on the last fifty that I got out of the pool without talking to anyone and just went into the bathroom stall to have a little cry...yeah I fucking failed. Wasn't even supposed to do the 100 fly but because so many swimmers had other obligations/didn't pay their fee I got put into the 50 fly, 100 fly and then 100 back. Yuuuup.

Herb came and watched swim though which was great... When Tom came and picked me up though he was in another pissed off mood so basically my bad mood has just persisted since then... Whatever, I am exhausted so I might not even read any FanFiction tonight...alright I will probably lay there with my eyes closed listening to music before reading one or two one-shots. Whatevs. No school again this Friday thank all the dieties... It feels like it should already be Friday but alas it is only Tuesday....

what's been going on recently..

Alright so while I wait for my nails to try (I swear I can be the world's best procrastinator when I want to be, really gotta stop this...) I decided to write up a post just because I was/am feeling so overwhelmed today I needed to just write it all down and get it off my chest.

So I guess we can go in chronological order for this...why not right? About, oh god, three weeks ago now? I was in charge of making a slideshow for my school and had to borrow three girl's memory cards that had the pictures we needed on them. I got two of the memory cards back but couldn't find the third girl so I brought it home with me and then promptly forgot about it... So now, I feel like an utter schmuck because a few weeks ago a teacher approched me and said that they needed the memory card, I of course said oh no problem, it's at home I know exactly where it is! ....because I thought I did. I have been searching for it since then and just cannot find it, I do not know where it went to but it really is not in my room. So basically I lost this item that belongs to someone else and is super important. I feel like crying everytime I think about it just because I feel so bad and I don't know what to do...

Next I guess is just the fact that something was brought up to me the other day that made me think that maybe I made a rash decision last year that turned out to be the wrong one. Basically Chad, I feel really bad and have been re-thinking our last conversation. I miss him and wished we still talked. On the other hand, it does take two does it not? Still even saying that I can't help thinking, well what if I initiated our falling out? Again...super confused and I don't know what to do.

My first swim meet of this year is also tomorrow, against one of the best high schools in the province, we are talking top three here... So I am super nervous, especially because I am scheduled to be doing the 200 free, 100 fly, a relay along with whatever else he decides to throw at me... And I will only be swimming if I get 60$ to the athletics director tomorrow morning asap....

Writing it out it doesn't seem like that much but that doesn't eliminate the queasy feeling I have in my gut I am really dreading going to the teacher tomorrow and admitting that I lost the memory card...I really don't know what she will say as I never have had her as a teacher. I will offer to buy the girl a new memory card but that won't replace all of the pictures she lost...

My anxiety levels are so high right now I swear I am going to hurl... It doesn't help that Tom is in a pissed off mood tonight so in turn that makes me angry also along with sad and depressed for some reason? Hopefully I will post something tomorrow after the swim meet even if I do write it in tears saying I failed and need to drop out of school and move to Africa because the teacher is after me. Salut pour aujourd'hui...

dreaming of the future

Lately the urge to have my own apartment has been growing huge, I have periods like this where I just want to move out and furnish my own place. My daydreams are occupied with my first holidays at my own place and how I would decorate, where I would put everything. I love design so maybe that has something to do with it. I recently found Pinterest so here are some images from there that I have been loving that are related to interior decoration:

(I love the love of a white palette, it just looks so clean and fresh, however I don't think I could ever stick to a white colour scheme in my own house.)

(This. Now this is something I can see working perfectly in my own home, one drawback: I wouldn't be able to walk up the stairs or by them without stopping to read!)

(I love this. When I get my own place a mantle is a must so I can decorate it for different seasons and holidays, I love everything about this look!)

(I love how the fireplace is located right next to the dining room, I also love the mis-mash of chairs and the bench.)

(If I had a light, airy bedroom I would love to recreate this! I have actually been toying with the idea of a boxed frame bed but right now, I love my white iron bed too much..)

Although I love the white clean palette I think that when I move out I will turn to a monochromatic colour scheme. Black, greys, white and silvers with little touches of burgandy and plum thrown in!

The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned. Maya Angelou

in and out

Just going to post a little in and out post because 1- I haven't done one in awhile & 2- I am procrastinating doing my Math and Law homework.


In:

1. Tights: I am wearing some black patterened ones today and when paired with a tight black skirt and a flowy top they add just enough warmth to an outfit while we are still having this stupid heat thing...

2. Halloween Cat Toys: Random? Yes. But I picked up two little toys for Spencer and Oreo and they have gone crazy over them, it's so cute to watch them get all excited. Plus, a great way to wear them out before bedtime!

3. Fix a Heart-Demi Lovato: If anyone had told me to go and listen to this song in all honesty...I probably wouldn't've. Demi is one of those artist that I never imagined myself listening to, but I am really loving this song and a few more off of her new album, including: Lightweight, Mistake, Give Your Heart a Break, Skyscraper, For The Love of a Daughter and even In Real Life....weird I know!

4. On that note...slower songs: I don't know why but more recently I find myself listening to my slow it down playlist a LOT and putting Adele on shuffle at least once a day. I really can't explain it but for the past week or two I have been ignoring my more pop/punk/rock songs and turning towards calmer, softer tunes. Eh, whatever works right?

5. The weather? : I think the weather may finally be cooling down! Today it was still quite warm and the sun was out all day but it was also windy. A cool wind too! I was pretty happy even if I didn't require a jacket to step outside. It wasn't nippy in the slightest but I will take what I can get.

6. My birthday: Is in less than a month! I can't believe I am almost 16...so excited.


Out:

1. Not being able to find my iPod! : This one is really frustrating, I have my headphones laying right beside me but I couldn't tell you were my iPod went! It's annoying because I know I had it Friday after school...

2. Biographies: I usually don't have a problem with essays but I am having a lot of trouble with this one. It isn't even required to be long by any means, only a page! I think it may have to do with all of the Law terms that I have to use and the long names and positions I have to keep mentioning, regardless with MLA format I should meet the required length soon enough. ;)

3. Headaches: Throughout the full week I seem to be having this pounding in my head and even when I don't feel too bad it's still right there in the back of my head waiting to spring up at the slightest loud noise or stressful situation. Babysitting two little nine year old girls today hasn't helped in the least. :(


Alright I am going to quit with the depressing outs now, maybe because my headache is back full force and I can't think of anything else...maybe.

my weekend

I love Friday, it's just one of those days when students can breathe a sigh of relief. It's sad how happy I get from a simple two day weekend. On a three to four day weekend...I'm ecstatic. But I will not be unthankful. This week was only four days so it went by kind of quick but it was a pretty tough week... All of my weeks have been tough this year, and I have a feeling that it will only get harder. Hopefully my grade twelve year will be easier but if I will be doing my Bio 12 and depending on how this year goes maybe my Physics and/or Chem 12 too! Those will be my only "hard" courses though...I think...I hope.

Tonight however I will not be doing any homework. I think if it's possible Friday will kind of be my "free" day. Free Friday kind of has a nice ring to it. It is just so nice to finish school on Friday and come home to do nothing of importance...at all! Tonight for example so far it looks as if I will be spending the night catching up on more Youtube beauty videos than I would care to admit...it's kind of embarrassing I will be the first to admit. I kind of am just in the mood to blog too. I love to put my browsers side by side and blog while I watch some Youtube videos so I might make a couple other posts tonight as well.

This weekend I don't have too much homework surprisingly so that's why I feel as if I can afford to take this little break. I have to do two Physics questions that I didn't finish last night because I was writing my English short story (8 pages later...) then I have a Math sheet to do that's thankfully pretty easy but takes quite long to write out every step. I also need to work on my Math project (one thing I don't really understand is Math projects but considering this one is easier I won't complain!) Lastly I have to do my Law essay, basically a small biography on one of the judges in the Supreme Court of Canada. Writing it out that sounds like a lot...its really not for me though, I mean I don't have any English or Modern History homework! Yaay.

Other then some homework I am hoping to chill out this weekend and take 'er easy. Maybe hang out with Cody or my mum but I really just want to take things very easy this weekend.

FML version: 11.10.11

I am quite the "quiet" person, if you knew me you wouldn't say that but I only have a few very close friends and would prefer to be on my own most of the time, even if I am with a friend 8/10 we would be discussing a fairly serious topic. Anyways the point is I am quite quite, I would like to believe I am quite respectful to those who deserve it, meaning that if someone shows respect towards me and acts mature than I will respect them too. Regardless of their age this is my personnal rule and I will always show respect until someone wrongs me or proves the do not deserve my respect.

Today I got me first call home, ever. I couldn't believe it, all because I did not finish a "journal" in class time. I just, can't believe it. I still am flipping out in my head. I do not get calls home and do not feel that I did anything to deserve this... I feel that this is so unfair, me, the student who does all of her work and tries her hardest always is getting in trouble and the students who do not do their work, talk constantly and don't listen aren't getting in trouble?

I try so hard in school and I just can't even put into words how...angry it makes me really. How all of those students who don't do anything are doing the same grade-wise as me(ish) and don't seem to be getting into trouble regardless of how many times the act out. It just makes me question, "Why even try?"