Getting Away Up North

I have never really posted about my trip to Quebec but already I have my bags packed again. This time for a little bit of a longer get-away to my grandmother's for the rest of the summer. I am looking forward to the stress-free situation very much, almost as much as spending time with my ninety year old great-grammie who currently lives alone. I come from a line of very independent women as I have an eighty-something nanny leaving in the same area alone as well.

I suppose this proves how unlike I am from the normal teenage girl. I am willingly giving up the majority of my summer to move to a small town (where there is nothing really to do) just to keep my grammie company. But I don't find anything wrong with that and am quite proud. The one thing that I will miss more than anything is my cat, I feel so guilty for leaving Spencer here for a whole month defenceless...

I have my suitcase half packed (quite literally) with books though, so I am sure that I will keep busy in my favourite way. Hopefully, I will get some writing down as well.

More books?

Quite a bit has happened recently but it wasn't the semi-impromptu visit to Quebec that I decided to write a post about finally, no it was the realization that my local Dollar Store sells books. I always knew that they sold children's books and crossword books but when I had a peek at the bottom shelf tonight I saw hard cover "grown-up" books. For. Two. Dollars.

* Insert embarrassing dance and squeal emitted by me in the kids aisle. *

I narrowed my selections down to only two novels because my dad was the one buying them; I ended up choosing Juliet, Naked by Nick Hornby and Dracula: The Un-Dead by Dacre Stoker and Ian Holt. After a quick Goodreads search Juliet, Naked seems promising but unfortunately Dracula: The Un-Dead had an abundance of poor reviews and one stars. I still have my fingers crossed however because everyone enjoys different literature.

I love a good deal on books and for two dollars each, you can't really go wrong. And this doesn't even conflict with the semi-book ban I had put myself on because these books were purchased for less than 5% of the original cover value. Yup, I am very okay with that.

The horizon seems promising.

The last few days I have felt antsy, like there is something I should be doing but I'm not (laundry excluded of course). Today, around three, I had that feeling again. I was laying down on my bed and I just felt like there was something that I had to be out doing. I literally had to remind myself that it was summer, I had nothing planned, and I didn't feel good; I was staying in that bed.

Maybe I've felt this way because I have been planning, planning, planning lately. I really wanted to make it to Ottawa this summer and stay on the campus but unfortunately, it doesn't seem like that will be happening. But somehow, I have just enough money in my bank account(s) to buy a train ticket to Quebec and still have money left over to get Spencer fixed. I am not sure how exactly it worked out but I am happy none-the-less.

I am overjoyed at the prospect of seeing Rebecca in a few days but am no where near prepared. The ticket hasn't even been bought yet. I am unsure of what to bring with me, I will only be gone the weekend so unfortunately it is a short visit. But I am so excited to travel by train. It might end up a disaster being squeezed next to stinky, old men for 12 hours but the hassle is half the fun of the travel.

The reason I am fighting so hard for this trip to Quebec is because this will be my last "vacation" for awhile. After I come back I will be spending the last dredges of my spare change on Spencer before packing back up and moving up North for the rest of the summer. Yup...up North, to where my grammies live. I really am excited, it seems like an adventure in itself. I have always wanted to do something like this and I feel it is just what I need right now with what has been going on. And then next summer will be full of the hassle of trying to move and settle into a new town.

Even though the prospect of going broke after buying one train ticket and paying a vet's bill makes me cringe I know that I won't regret it. Yes, I need to save money for university but I know I would regret it more if I didn't do these things. Money is meant to be spent, life is meant to be lived.

Everything is going to be okay.

I have so many emotions swirling around in this heart of mine right now that I am not sure what to do. Earlier, I told myself not to write about it because not everything needs to put into words, sometimes you have to just let yourself feel. Well, it kind of worked but I feel as if I am about to explode now. My mind is diving in all different directions and I am not sure which way to follow.

Do you know those moments when a piece of news hits you and you just freeze? You may have sensed its presence on the horizon, and perhaps attempted to brace yourself, but you can never be fully prepared. A ton of bricks will hit you and in a split second everything seems to have changed. The stars will continue to shine, the sun will continue to rise and the steady tick of the clock drones on but nothing seems the same. The stars look different; the sun, perhaps brighter; and the clock seems faster, or maybe slower. But the difference lies within you. You are viewing everything with newer eyes, because you have changed. 

It takes time to heal from something reeling like that, but time is something that we aren't promised. 

So, yes you may seem eager, but send that message. You may not want to, but let those tears fall; they will help heal you and allow you to think. A message from a friend may contain heart-breaking or hopeful words, with today's technology the effect will be near instantaneous. Don't hide from those feelings. Allow them in, greet them with a smile and a mug of tea. Everything is going to be okay.

A Full Circle

It's funny how things change.

Two years ago, I remember a summer night spent talking to Cody and how over-the-moon I was. Then Chad called, my mood instantly changed. I remember not wanting to be hurt by him again so I effectively ended our conversation. That was the last time we spoke.

Until now.

Tonight, it was a summer night that turned to sour when Cody changed my mood with a simple few sentences. I felt horrible. Then a small little message from Chad proved to me that there may be hope, because things do happen for a reason.

I have matured a lot in two years and both of these guys have helped me do that. Unfortunately, it only seems possible to have one of them in my life at a time.

Grief, despair, loss.

Today I couldn't help but struggle with what was the "proper" way to deal with my grief. Even while thinking it I couldn't help but scold myself on how there was no proper guideline of instructions on showing your grief; you can hold it in, or let it out. I usually choose to hold it in. I knew I was being ridiculous but I couldn't help feeling like I didn't have a right to cry. Around me were people who were so much closer to Kenny, I never knew him that well so, why should I cry? But...after so many years of hiding away behind a wall, I am very open with my emotions. Sometimes it will come back to hurt me but, in my opinion, that is much better than bottling everything up. 

Even though I did not know him as well as I wish I had, Kenny was still my uncle. And for that, I love him. And for that, staring at his deceased corpse was unbelievably hard. 

After his long fight with cancer, his operation was his only chance at life. Ironically, this operation cost him his life. Everyone thought that we had seen the light at the end of the tunnel, that his fight was almost over. Coming out of surgery everything had seemed so promising, yet things turned so very fast. I would like to believe that Kenny did not suffer as he passed, and his heart contained memories of the good times with his family and friends. 

I suppose, however, that we were right in a way. Kenny's fight is now over and he will suffer no more. He will always be remembered and loved. The memories he has left us with will be cherished until we come to our final resting place as well. A candle will burn in my heart in memory of my uncle Kenny, always.

When the sun has set, no candle can replace it.

Today was the day that I had to return to school to obtain my marks and next years schedule. Now, my marks aren't as good as they were last semester but I am happy with them. I am not disappointed in myself in the least and I feel good. I have had to sort out my priorities a little this semester and perhaps that has taken from my marks but the goals I strived towards for my exams, I made! Of course there are going to be the thoughts that if I had done better on this or that I could have a better average but I can honestly say that I gave it my all this year, and looking at my marks, it has paid off for me. 

After getting my marks, I realized how amazing my teachers truly are. I had a teacher go above and beyond the call of duty today and it has made me prouder than ever to go to my school.

It was a scorcher in my town today--reaching 32 degrees--so my dad, my brother, and I met up at the lake and went for a swim to cool off before having a BBQ at home. It was one of those days that absolutely drains you, purely because of the heat and sun exposure. My skin still feels clammy after nine o'clock and I feel exhausted but I am finishing today at my dining room table with my laptop. One of my favourite things to do lately has been to edit my short story at this table near sunrise or sunset. The beauty of the sky offers the perfect view to gaze into as I decipher where Annabelle will go next. Of course, burning candles always prove to be the perfect companion for this journey.