Frustrated

My emotions have just been all over the place and I am so worried about Sarah. She is going through an unbelievably difficult time right now and I just wish there was something more that I could do. I am trying to be there as much as I can but I get so frustrated when there is nothing I can do to help her more. And it is not helping that now the teachers are trying to "help" me by telling me I have to get to class. I was so infuriated with Murch to have the nerve to tell me I don't have to be her "keeper" and by going behind my back to talk to principals. If he only realized that I almost lost it when they told me to go to class as I was comforting my friend. I am sorry but men in their 40's+ do not know how to comfort a teenage girl, especially when they do not know her full back story and family drama. Of course, by the teachers' starting to worry about my grades it sent Sarah into tears that she was doing this to me, apologizing profusely. What no one seems to realize or understand is that this is my option. It is my choice. I have had plenty of opportunities to walk away, to walk back to class but I am not the one who can leave their friend behind when they need help the most. Maybe it is because it has happened to me so many times. But walking back to class, leaving her in the midst of recovery, was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. These adults aren't understanding anything at all regardless of how they try. Getting into someone's face and asking questions while it is happening doesn't help anything. And you know what? I was called out of class less than twenty minutes later because she was having another one. When will they put one and one together? It sickens me that Sarah feels she is imposing on me or asking too much when this happens. I am her best friend and what kind of monster would ignore their friend when they are in need?

The feeling I hate most is frustration. I hate being unable to do something or told that I can not do something. I hate that feeling of restriction and not knowing what to do. Right now, my frustration level is sky high and I feel like I could scream, or punch another wall.

If I could do anything...

I don't know what it is, maybe it is just the graduation jitters, that has to exist right? But the closer I get to graduation, which is still a little over a year away, I start to question everything. Since grade nine I have come to the conclusion that I want to write. I want to write fictional stories to be precise but did the parents ever flip when they heard that. I imagine that it might be every parents' fear that their child will fail at life and I suppose they just want their kid to succeed and do well. At least that's what I tell myself so it doesn't seem as if they didn't believe in me at the time.

An ironic thing is, when I first began telling people I wanted to write they would always just look at me like I had three heads and then say, “Oh, like a journalist?”. I heard that line so many times that I was ready to clonk all of their heads together and scream. I wanted to tell them no, not like a journalist at all, other individuals write as well I hope you know. I want to be an author. It just became so frustrating that it all began to feel like no one believed I could actually do it. Which of course led to self-doubt, which I still battle with today. That miserable year was the year I visited Rabbit Island and there not one person questioned that path I had chosen as my desire. I always say that it was Rabbit island that kept me writing because it is true. I had a whole group of strangers that had never read anything I had written but believed in me because, why not?

Yet, when I fell in love with Carleton University I found that they have a journalism program, and I could see myself attending their journalism program. So, for the past year I have been toying with the idea in my head of going into journalism, I could still write but I would also have a stable career. But because it is such a prestigious program to get into it is hard for me to decipher if I really want to go into this program but am having second thoughts because I am scared I will not get in or if I really don't want to down that career path. I only wish that I would be able to take Co-Op about five different times to try out different careers and see which is for me, before I invest tens of thousands of dollars into it.

I think the problem is that I can see myself doing numerous of different things and that is why it has become difficult to me to decide what I want to pursue after my post-secondary education. I could see myself becoming a teacher or a scientist, a librarian or a journalist, numerous different careers that aren't all similar. In a dream world where the money tree in my back yard was limitless and I could do whatever I wanted I would attend Carleton and receive a Bachelor of Journalism Degree before receiving a Master's degree in English Literature and History. Then of course I would travel though Great Britain and France for a year, with a few weekend trips to other countries in Europe before settling down somewhere. From there I would open up my own Second Hand Book Shop where I could play librarian all day and read and write. Then, later on in life, I might teach some university courses a few days a week with multiple books published under my name. I would own tiny little cottages throughout Europe that I would visit during the summer for a few weeks with my ever present cat.

If I could have anything in the world...this is what I would want.

Feeling Frustrated

Everyone has those days, when no matter what you do it just feels like you aren't getting anywhere and you just need to rant. For me, it seems that this week has been full of moments like that. Whether it was trying to do my Chemistry homework after missing a day of school or at the pool it seems as if I am taking gigantic leaps backwards instead of forwards. I suppose however the hardest moments have been at the pool. Because of my shoulder injury I wasn't able to swim for two months so finally after waiting for what seems like years, you have to remember I swam once a day beforehand, I was so overjoyed to get back into the pool. I don't know what I was expecting but my shoulder didn't magically heal when I entered the water. No, it still hurt and I was unable to use that arm, only allowed to do kick. But I figured I could wean myself back onto using that arm, I followed every rule prescribed by the physiotherapist, it had to get better! And it was, the pain had scaled down immensely, I was overjoyed by the concept that maybe, sometime soon, I would be able to use both arms again. Then the incident happened.

I suppose it is a true sign that my arm was getting better because one night when I was opening my door and having a little difficulty, I shoved my arm against the door, my whole weight behind it, to get it to open up. Yes, that arm, on the bright side the door opened and I learned a very important lesson, not to use your bad arm regardless if you think it is getting better because now I am back to square one. Icing it more than I would like and taking my prescribed medication again. I know writing this it doesn't seem like a big deal, children are starving all over the world, people have missing limbs and are off much worse than me but to a teenage girl who just wants to be healthy and be back swimming I am scared and angry and disappointed. Scared that I have damaged my shoulder for the rest of my life, which if I am honest, I already know the answer to. Angry that it won't get better. Disappointed of my poor performance in the pool. And scared of what will happen next swim season...

Lullaby

Well, I know the feeling
Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge
And there ain't no healing
From cutting yourself with the jagged edge
I'm telling you that, it's never that bad
Take it from someone who's been where you're at
Laid out on the floor
And you're not sure you can take this anymore

So just give it one more try to a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

Please let me take you
Out of the darkness and into the light
'Cause I have faith in you
That you're gonna make it through another night
Stop thinking about the easy way out
There's no need to go and blow the candle out
Because you're not done
You're far too young
And the best is yet to come

So just give it one more try to a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

Well, everybody's hit the bottom
Everybody's been forgotten
When everybody's tired of being alone
Yeah, everybody's been abandoned
And left a little empty handed
So if you're out there barely hanging on...

Just give it one more try to a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

Artist: Nickleback

A Rare Enjoyed Evening

Very rarely it happens that I am able to enjoy an evening during which I did nothing or accomplished nothing. Tonight was one of those evenings and it couldn't have come at a better time. It seems as if this week has just drug on and on and on, and it's only Wednesday! I also think I am coming down with a cold or the flu so that has been less than enjoyable. Needless to say when I finished my homework within two hours tonight I was shell shocked, what could I do with my spare time? The answer came in the form of a large mug of hot chocolate, a long phone call with my mum and somehow spending and hour and a half surfing the web...and now I can't even remember what websites I went on. But I kind of can't help but love evenings like this because it never happens that I finish my homework with a substantial amount of time before bedtime to do nothing it.

I don't think I could handle doing absolutely nothing every evening however, just because I think I would go crazy out of boredom but every once in awhile nothing can be more wonderful than a break from the formulas, the graphs and the sheets.

italia & espana

 In four short weeks I will be walking along the Mediterranean, until then however I have to suffice with pictures of the beautiful countries I will be visiting and daydream.

Flabbergasted

Looking over my list of goals for 2012 I realize that a lot [read: majority] have to do with or have to be done when I go abroad. I mean as long as I get them all done over there that's fine but I feel like I should have spaced out my goals a little bit more throughout the year. Speaking of the list, number 1 was to finish Physics with at least a 90...well the report cards were handed out yesterday and I didn't make that goal BUT I did get an 89...holy crap. Considering I had an 85 walking into my exam I cannot believe I brought my mark up that much, after a talk with my teacher I walked away flabbergasted that I had received the top mark on the Physics 11 exam with a 98...I didn't even think that was possible. It helps prove to myself that hard work, dedication and studying really does pay off and I don't have to wait for ten years down the road to realize that. I was Simonds' Student of the Week this week and it really just feels like surprise after surprise. I only hope that next semester will be as great as the one past.