Scattered Birthday Thoughts

So, I'm feeling a lot better tonight. Maybe it's the fact that it's my birthday, or maybe it's the fact that I've talked to almost every member of my immediate family today and didn't get in a fight with anyone. It's probably the latter.

 I always love the lead up to birthdays, because it means my mailbox slowly fills up will coloured cards alongside the flyers and bills and it just feels special. The anticipation is slowly starting and it's true that as you get older, it's so easy to see birthdays as just another day. I live alone and there are no longer any sleepovers and pizza parties to get excited about and stay up all night for, so seeing my mailbox fill up with special messages from my loved ones made the day feel special. And the fact that my dad is a procrastinator means that I'll have another surprise in my mailbox over the next few days.

I guess I've already made it seem pretty clear, but my birthday is on Remembrance Day, which means every morning I wake up with a special feeling of celebration and gratitude at the same time. My great-grandfather fought in the Second World War, along with my great-uncle and a great-uncle who died in Italy. The day has special poignancy to me for those reasons. One of the things I love about living in Ottawa is that I get to attend the ceremony at the grave of the unknown soldier, symbolically representing all the men and women who died fighting for our freedom. Last year was my first year attending and this year was made even more stark with the fact that just a few short weeks ago a young man named Cpl. Nathan Cirillo lost his life standing guard. The ceremony was made even more special with the rededication and the thoughts of Cpl. Cirillo in my head, alongside my late grampie. Placing my poppy on a cenotaph or memorial is always one of the highlights of my birthday.

I followed the ceremony downtown with taking a short trip to the Canadian War Museum. I had to do an assignment on a new exhibit there, Fighting in Flanders, but I especially loved being able to go there on Remembrance Day and rub shoulders with veterans both young and old proudly sporting their uniforms. The national, provincial and territorial flags outside the museum were all at half mast for the occasion.  

The sky outside the museum was stunning when I left around 4:30 p.m. The clouds just looked beautiful.

I also took a cheeky birthday selfie in the parking lot, because I had just gotten off the phone with my memere and aunt who began with singing me Happy Birthday--in English and then French.

When I finally got home I was able to open my present from one of my close friends from school. You've got to love the improvised student wrapping paper, right? Just last week I was telling him about how I didn't like Spongebob...so of course he gave me an e-greeting and card with Spongebob, along with the wrapping... But tucked inside was a beautiful Penguin edition of A Clockwork Orange, which I've never read! It's his favourite book and movie, so I told him I had to borrow his copy; he then thoughtfully surprised me with this and a pumpkin-scented candle which is currently burning.

I decided to have a cozy night in after finishing up that museum assignment, so I made myself an alcoholic concoction. Hot chocolate spiked with rum, maple syrup liqueur and with a dash of cinnamon, in my favourite mug. I've already finished this one taking some of the proceeding photos, so I think I may make myself another one to enjoy while I tuck  into my new book and perhaps write a few words or so.

Here's my new beautiful candle, from Indigo I believe.

And I also lit up some candles on my desk. My best friend bought me this as a housewarming present and I just love it: laugh some, live a lot, dream some, love a lot. 

If you can see a quality improvement in the last three photos, that's because I actually took them on my proper camera and not my phone.

I currently have Sam Smith's album playing in the background, so I think I'm going to bask in the remaining hours of my birthday and just enjoy feeling relaxed. For one night, I'm going to completely forget about the marks, etc. and I can pick up on them tomorrow. 

From Ottawa, here's Anna, now 19 and feeling OK. 

Struggling

I once had someone say to me in regards to school, but it's easy for you, you're smart.
I said the same thing now as I've been repeating to myself the last little bit: it doesn't come naturally to me. I don't naturally have this amazing cognitive memory or amazing skills that allow me to knock a paper out of the park on the first try. I struggle. Sometimes a hell of a lot. It takes a lot of determination for me to get through a set of notes or write up a draft. And I make sacrifices to do it.
There's this popular diagram of what it takes to be a successful student the requires you choose two out of good grades, sleep and a social life, but it's no where near as simple as that.
I've received some bad marks recently, ones that definitely won't see me into next year, and I'm struggling to figure out what's even the point. I worked hard and got through the bullshit in the past because I had an end goal in sight: I needed to get into Carleton, I needed to get into second year.
Well now I'm here. What's next?
I'm certainly not happy. I'm stressed, I'm tired and I feel so close to giving up. I need to discern for myself what I what/need from this. At the moment, I honestly cannot imagine myself forking out another $18,000 to suffer through two more years of this.
Over the past few years, school became my thing because it fit into the slot I needed in life to propel myself and make it to the next goal, but now my goals don't pertain to school at all. I just want out and I just want to feel healthy and happy again.
But I'm not sure how that can align with working 20 hours a week and going to school for 25 and somehow studying for the rest of the hours in between.

A Little Bit of Homesickness, A Little Bit of Presents

It's been awhile since I wrote a long, wordy post, but that's kind of what I'm in the mood for today. You see, I'm feeling more than a little bit homesick. I think it's because the holidays are creeping up and the holidays are my favourite part of the year, but this year I'm almost certain I won't be able to travel home for Christmas. This means that this year could potentially be my first year spending Christmas on my own. The reason I might stay in Ottawa over the holidays has to do with the fact that I took a seasonal job, meaning my contract runs straight through to January and I'd feel bad even attempting to take time off for such a short work term. Also, money is playing a factor of course.

So this has led to a whole tipsy-turvy slew of emotions lately. I haven't been able to shake the feeling of unease and just be happy, because I'm constantly worried. It seems trife to be thinking this far ahead and getting worried about a mere possibility, but like I said, I absolutely love the holidays. I'm not a religious person, so the able for me is in the lead up and the excitement and the music and the lights. I love buying present for people and spending time with family.

I've had some awful Christmases in the past, full of tears and fights, but I can't seem to let that convince me it's not a magical time of year. In my head it's like I'm still six years old and waiting for Santa.

And I guess it's a good thing to still believe in that magic, but it makes the thought of spending Christmas alone in a big city a little daunting. So perhaps it was those thoughts swirling in my head that led me to talk to my mum on the phone for nearly two hours this evening..I'm sure it had something to do with it at least.

My mum and I talk on the phone almost every second night or so, and usually it's for around an hour, but tonight was extra special because I opened my birthday present over the line! My mum doesn't have Skype or even a computer, so all of our communication is over the phone or through letters, so it felt like she was really here with me opening it, which is significant seeing she hasn't been to apartment since the month I signed the lease!

She had to twist my rubber arm a bit to get me to open it though, because my birthday isn't until next week; however, her argument was that we wouldn't get to talk to one another the day of my birthday because we'd both be so busy attending services and with the time zone difference fate probably wouldn't align. (My birthday is on Remembrance Day by the way!--Nov. 11)

She had packed me up a sweet little box, which I'm sure cost a small fortune to ship, and had stuffed it full of small little items with a lot of meaning: coffee because I complained I almost ran out a week or so ago, lots of warm socks and fleece-lined tights for winter in the country's coldest bloody city, different dark chocolates and little Nutella packs that I raved about four years ago when I went to Italy (was that really four year ago!!?!) and just became available over here recently.

All in all, it was a great little chat that distracted me from the fact that my muscles are sore from swimming, I have an ear ache, and I have a big assignment due Thursday. And to be honest, those are the best kind of chats of all, right?

No.2: Cake, Breaks and Cats

So these photos have definitely been taken over the course of more than one week and there is definitely an abundance of photos of Spencer..sorry about that..kind of. It's currently the last Sunday of Reading Week and I still of a mountain of readings to get through and an assignment I want finished, but I feel as if I've been somewhat productive over the last nine days. I've started at my new job and celebrated Halloween with some friends, but we'll save those photos for another day.

 I baked a pumpkin cake for a friend's dinner party that turned out quite tasty | Another essay was demolished through some serious editing | I felt like a real journalist again, going to cover a candidate debate

 The life of a journalism student...this was the night of the shooting | Look at how massive this carrot was! | I was productive at the school caf for once, working in front of the fire helped 

 As break finally neared, Spencer felt the same way I did | Most morning the past week have begun like this | That one night there was a fly in my apartment and Spencer climbed my bookshelves just to stare at it... -.-

Who Do You Think You Are?-Julie Walters & Cookies and Cream ice cream is magnificent | It's hard to discern, but perched on my balcony is a pigeon that flew into the doors TWICE | I knitted myself a mug cozy this week and I love it

No. 1: Travel, Essays and Fall

I've found myself snapping more photos of the world around me lately and thought I would capture them into one blogpost. Life has been hectic lately and I've missed the process of just writing random words down that don't have to pertain to a thesis. Second year has begun and is in full swing after a hectic summer and it feels as if I haven't stopped since last August when I moved up here: I've ran from exams into a job back into school with only a week reprieve. The experiences have been great, but I can feel the stress gnawing away at my edges. Stopping to take a picture and look at how pretty the leaves look over coffee has helped. So here are a few of the sights I've seen over the last two weeks.

It took me three drafts before starting an essay... | I forgot how labour-intensive long nights could be | The happiest sight of all: the last edit

 Ottawa has the strangest weather, it felt like 30C (!) | But the golden-coloured trees are making my late lecture slightly more enjoyable | A cold snap has finally started so it's beginning to feel like fall. Cue plaid and knitted scarves

I had to say goodbye to this little munchkin with yogurt on his nose last weekend... | ...in order to hop on a plane for the East Coast to attend my cousin's wedding, immediately following a midterm, with plenty of delays (read: six hours) | My younger sister and I got on extremely well at said wedding, making wonderful, fond memories

Unfortunately I had to say goodbye to the crisp ocean air far too quickly for my liking: 36 hours isn't enough time | Getting home to an empty fridge also led my to do a MASSIVE grocery shop. My arms were killing me | I absolutely adore snail mail and hop on every chance I can to decorate letters with festive stickers and pop along to the mailbox: Happy Thanksgiving!

And so, that's been my last few weeks mixed in with a few tears, too many late night and a hell of a lot of readings. University's been tough, not going to lie, but I'm making my way through it.

Anxiety

I've stopped posted the Picture A Day thing, solely because exams took up all of my time and right now I really need to just blow off steam and cleanse my mind and get a lot off my chest.
My anxiety has been acting up a lot within the last month and some. I thought that when I moved up here I would miraculously get better; in hindsight, that even sounds stupid.
I handled school pretty well. I only had that one really bad breakdown writing my history paper, which I did well on in the end. Then trying to plan for a trip home started and I had one night when I just reverted back to my old self... In fact I've had a few of those nights within the last few months.
Even now, after only writing a paragraph and not even getting to the point, I've calmed down.
The thing is, lately I've become more phobic of answering the phone. Tonight it got to the point where I procrastinated for over an hour, began shaking and tearing up and just had to force myself to do it. It's like that way with emails too sometimes, even if it isn't bad I just can't force myself to read it. A simple message from a friend I'll procrastinate for hours from reading it.
But tonight. I had to ask someone if they could look after my cat. I stuttered and I muttered and I talked in round about ways, generally becoming flustered. He agreed but after getting off the phone I burst into tears.
I began shaking again and I didn't know what to do and I'm just frustrated at myself.
I've also put off a trip to Gatineau and to Bath & Body Works because I'm scared to get lost. Those are little, materialistic things, but I'm literally stopping my life because I'm afraid to get on the wrong bus. I can chalk some of it up to laziness or "I don't want to talk an hour bus drive", but when it comes down to it I'm stopping my life because I'm scared. I've created my own little bubble here and some days I can't force myself to leave.
I don't know what to do. Lord knows I need the best therapist money can buy for all my issues, but at the moment I'm just struggling and hoping it will get better.
I need to remember to risk.

Snowfall

December 2, 2013

Published one day late, because I was writing an essay last night when my computer overheated and gave up on me, so I gave up on yesterday and went to bed. There will be a delay on the third's pictures as well, because I can't get the photos off my phone, but I promise I'm still taking the pictures and they will inevitably end up here.

And hey, the essay's written. FYEAH.

Capturing December: Favourite holiday movie

Pictured: Joyeux Noel--the Hollywood rendition of the "sends-shivers-down-my-spine-and-warms-my-heart" tale of the German and Scottish troops halted the fighting for Christmas Eve.

Unpictured: The Polar Express, which also has my heart with its story of believing and magic

December Book Photo Challenge: Favourite series

Pictured: How could I not go with the classic tale that started it all? Harry Potter and the wizarding world captured 7-year-old-me's imagination and has never let go.

Unpictured: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (potential favourite?), Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Harry Potter and the Half-Blooded Prince, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows