Starting to panic?

You could say that this has been a hard week. Or you could say this has been a week from the deep, fiery depths of hell. Whichever you prefer.


Besides everything in my last post this week was one full of tests that I know I did not do particularly well on. As well as having one of my teachers tell me that I am not working up to par whilst I have a 91 in his class. Now, I struggle with trying to tell myself daily that I do not have to get 100's and if I don't get the perfect grade, that is okay, it doesn't mean I am stupid or worthless. So, to have a teacher that I hold up to a high standard tell me that, well, it made me feel stupid and worthless. It is so hard to try, try, try and still feel like you're not good enough. Everyone seems to think that this comes naturally to me, that it is easy for me to get high honours and do extracurricular activities but in actuality it is a struggle every day. I strive to get those good marks and high standing, I work for every little thing I receive. I study and do homework from when I get home to when I go to bed at night. And when I have those rare evenings when I only have three hours of homework to do I consider myself lucky and try to relax and unwind but I still feel guilty.

Lately I have just been so tired, mentally and physically, I am tried of trying so hard for such little reward. I get nothing in return and while sometimes getting a really good mark is enough of a reward but after two years, sometimes it isn't. I just feel like saying screw it and giving up. I don't even want to try anymore, that is how tired I have become. I suppose these thoughts I have been having that I will not get accepted into Carleton aren't helping either. I just feel like it's such a long shot, why do I even think I have a chance? That sounds pathetic just writing it out but it's how I feel. Maybe I just need a smack upside the head but mostly I just need to get away. I am panicking because I feel that in one years time, instead of getting my acceptance letter, I will be getting my rejection letter. I am panicking because I feel as if I am failing at everything right now. I need a recuperation period because I am exhausted...