snow in october?

Imagine my surprise when I woke up to my dad telling my younger sister it was snowing outside. Of course after freezing in shock I hopped over to my window and lo-and-behold, it was snowing. This is what I saw when I went out on my back deck





You can't tell but it was still snowing when I took this picture. As the day progressed the storm, yes I am calling it a stom, it got worse. It was wicked outside, the wind howled ALL day. So of course I turned on the oven and started baking (Pumpkin Seeds and an Peanut Butter-Cheerio treat) I also wrote a bit, currently I am writing just a small Christmas story. For lunch we all went over to my memere's and almost the whole family was there. It was great.



This weekend was such a nice one, I did almost nothing all weekend. After the long stressful week I had it was definitely necessary. Now the Haunted House is over, that was an ordeal in itself, but it doesn't look like things will be calming down for me until February. Swim season lasts until December and then in January I have exams so I am hoping I won't have to many break downs between here and then.

To conclude, here is a picture of Spencer with his first ever snowball. It brings a smile to my face looking at it. He had so much fun playing with it...well eating it mostly.

I know Halloween is tomorrow and my birthday is in twelve days but I can't help getting excited for Christmas!

i swear you look right through me

I saw him today...Chad I mean. After swim. When I first walked out I couldn't see him as he was standing at the foot of the stairs but then I did...and I couldn't stop looking over at him. It was like I wanted to make eye contact. I don't know what I would have done if he had looked my way, probably put my head down as soon as possible, but I just wanted him to see me. I don't know what I expected to see in his eyes and I don't even know if I could have handled it but in that moment I just wanted him to look at me, with pain, anger...indifference I don't know what would have been worse, but I got nothing.

I was the one who knew his telephone number off my heart before everyone.

As I walked to the car I couldn't help but glance out of the corner of my eye at him standing there as I put my bags in the backseat. I couldn't help but glance at him as I took my seat in front. But he never glanced my way. He remained there in the drizzle of the late afternoon rain standing stoically, indifferent to my futile attempts.

I was the one who would talk to him at night before everyone.

When my dad started driving off I wanted nothing more then to yell for him to stop. I wanted to turn around and ask Chad if he needed a drive home. I just wanted to talk to him.

I was the one who knew his middle name before everyone.

But I didn't. As we drove away, I fought back yet more tears as I thought of how far we have come... I am someone who firmly believes in that there is such a thing as too late. It feels too late, I don't know how to talk to him anymore, I don't know what to say, I don't know how to fix my mess.

The thing is, I know that if I told Chad what happened he would have laughed at me, "Anna, why didn't you just say something?" I can imagine him, laughing, shaking his head at me. Thinking I was being silly.

I feel so bad for just leaving him there, standing outside while it was sprinkling without even asking him if he needed a ride... I am sure he had one but this sitution feels like one huge metaphor that I don't like the translation to...

As I got in the car one of my favorite songs was playing Someone Like You by Adele. But this time when I listened to her voice the lyrics told a whole new tale."Old friend, why are you so shy?" "I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded/That for me it isn't over./Never mind, I'll find someone like you/I wish nothing but the best for you too/Don't forget me, I beg/I remember you said,"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,/Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,"Yeah."

No, for me it isn't over but I don't think I will every find someone like him. There will never be anyone who could take his place or even compare. And it hurts so much to think that. I haven't come to terms with this and I feel as if I never will.

I flipped through radio stations trying to find a station that wouldn't remind me of him. Country wouldn't do, we both enjoyed country and that made me think of "our song". Rock 'n' Roll it was then. But I couldn't get our song out of my head. Years and years and years ago while on the phone Chad and I discovered that we both enjoyed a certain song, Chad out of the blue said, "That'll be our song, Anna!" It was a little odd at the time none-the-less I enjoyed it. Now in hindsight, it is as if he predicted the end of our friendship... The song was, Like We Never Loved At All-Faith Hill ft. Tim McGraw.

"I swear you looked right through me/But I'm still living with your goodbye/And you're just going on with your life/How can you just walk on by/Without one tear in your eye?/Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?/Maybe that's just your way/Of dealing with the pain/Forgetting everything between our rise and fall"

"So tell me what your secret is?/To letting go, letting go like you did, like you did"

update

Alright so let's recap what has happened since yesterdays post. I talked to the teacher and she isn't mad at me, told me to keep searching and we have some of the photos on a different source so I am going to track them down for her. I...finished the swim meet. Did completely terrible on my 100 fly. So bad on the last fifty that I got out of the pool without talking to anyone and just went into the bathroom stall to have a little cry...yeah I fucking failed. Wasn't even supposed to do the 100 fly but because so many swimmers had other obligations/didn't pay their fee I got put into the 50 fly, 100 fly and then 100 back. Yuuuup.

Herb came and watched swim though which was great... When Tom came and picked me up though he was in another pissed off mood so basically my bad mood has just persisted since then... Whatever, I am exhausted so I might not even read any FanFiction tonight...alright I will probably lay there with my eyes closed listening to music before reading one or two one-shots. Whatevs. No school again this Friday thank all the dieties... It feels like it should already be Friday but alas it is only Tuesday....

what's been going on recently..

Alright so while I wait for my nails to try (I swear I can be the world's best procrastinator when I want to be, really gotta stop this...) I decided to write up a post just because I was/am feeling so overwhelmed today I needed to just write it all down and get it off my chest.

So I guess we can go in chronological order for this...why not right? About, oh god, three weeks ago now? I was in charge of making a slideshow for my school and had to borrow three girl's memory cards that had the pictures we needed on them. I got two of the memory cards back but couldn't find the third girl so I brought it home with me and then promptly forgot about it... So now, I feel like an utter schmuck because a few weeks ago a teacher approched me and said that they needed the memory card, I of course said oh no problem, it's at home I know exactly where it is! ....because I thought I did. I have been searching for it since then and just cannot find it, I do not know where it went to but it really is not in my room. So basically I lost this item that belongs to someone else and is super important. I feel like crying everytime I think about it just because I feel so bad and I don't know what to do...

Next I guess is just the fact that something was brought up to me the other day that made me think that maybe I made a rash decision last year that turned out to be the wrong one. Basically Chad, I feel really bad and have been re-thinking our last conversation. I miss him and wished we still talked. On the other hand, it does take two does it not? Still even saying that I can't help thinking, well what if I initiated our falling out? Again...super confused and I don't know what to do.

My first swim meet of this year is also tomorrow, against one of the best high schools in the province, we are talking top three here... So I am super nervous, especially because I am scheduled to be doing the 200 free, 100 fly, a relay along with whatever else he decides to throw at me... And I will only be swimming if I get 60$ to the athletics director tomorrow morning asap....

Writing it out it doesn't seem like that much but that doesn't eliminate the queasy feeling I have in my gut I am really dreading going to the teacher tomorrow and admitting that I lost the memory card...I really don't know what she will say as I never have had her as a teacher. I will offer to buy the girl a new memory card but that won't replace all of the pictures she lost...

My anxiety levels are so high right now I swear I am going to hurl... It doesn't help that Tom is in a pissed off mood tonight so in turn that makes me angry also along with sad and depressed for some reason? Hopefully I will post something tomorrow after the swim meet even if I do write it in tears saying I failed and need to drop out of school and move to Africa because the teacher is after me. Salut pour aujourd'hui...

dreaming of the future

Lately the urge to have my own apartment has been growing huge, I have periods like this where I just want to move out and furnish my own place. My daydreams are occupied with my first holidays at my own place and how I would decorate, where I would put everything. I love design so maybe that has something to do with it. I recently found Pinterest so here are some images from there that I have been loving that are related to interior decoration:

(I love the love of a white palette, it just looks so clean and fresh, however I don't think I could ever stick to a white colour scheme in my own house.)

(This. Now this is something I can see working perfectly in my own home, one drawback: I wouldn't be able to walk up the stairs or by them without stopping to read!)

(I love this. When I get my own place a mantle is a must so I can decorate it for different seasons and holidays, I love everything about this look!)

(I love how the fireplace is located right next to the dining room, I also love the mis-mash of chairs and the bench.)

(If I had a light, airy bedroom I would love to recreate this! I have actually been toying with the idea of a boxed frame bed but right now, I love my white iron bed too much..)

Although I love the white clean palette I think that when I move out I will turn to a monochromatic colour scheme. Black, greys, white and silvers with little touches of burgandy and plum thrown in!

The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned. Maya Angelou

in and out

Just going to post a little in and out post because 1- I haven't done one in awhile & 2- I am procrastinating doing my Math and Law homework.


In:

1. Tights: I am wearing some black patterened ones today and when paired with a tight black skirt and a flowy top they add just enough warmth to an outfit while we are still having this stupid heat thing...

2. Halloween Cat Toys: Random? Yes. But I picked up two little toys for Spencer and Oreo and they have gone crazy over them, it's so cute to watch them get all excited. Plus, a great way to wear them out before bedtime!

3. Fix a Heart-Demi Lovato: If anyone had told me to go and listen to this song in all honesty...I probably wouldn't've. Demi is one of those artist that I never imagined myself listening to, but I am really loving this song and a few more off of her new album, including: Lightweight, Mistake, Give Your Heart a Break, Skyscraper, For The Love of a Daughter and even In Real Life....weird I know!

4. On that note...slower songs: I don't know why but more recently I find myself listening to my slow it down playlist a LOT and putting Adele on shuffle at least once a day. I really can't explain it but for the past week or two I have been ignoring my more pop/punk/rock songs and turning towards calmer, softer tunes. Eh, whatever works right?

5. The weather? : I think the weather may finally be cooling down! Today it was still quite warm and the sun was out all day but it was also windy. A cool wind too! I was pretty happy even if I didn't require a jacket to step outside. It wasn't nippy in the slightest but I will take what I can get.

6. My birthday: Is in less than a month! I can't believe I am almost 16...so excited.


Out:

1. Not being able to find my iPod! : This one is really frustrating, I have my headphones laying right beside me but I couldn't tell you were my iPod went! It's annoying because I know I had it Friday after school...

2. Biographies: I usually don't have a problem with essays but I am having a lot of trouble with this one. It isn't even required to be long by any means, only a page! I think it may have to do with all of the Law terms that I have to use and the long names and positions I have to keep mentioning, regardless with MLA format I should meet the required length soon enough. ;)

3. Headaches: Throughout the full week I seem to be having this pounding in my head and even when I don't feel too bad it's still right there in the back of my head waiting to spring up at the slightest loud noise or stressful situation. Babysitting two little nine year old girls today hasn't helped in the least. :(


Alright I am going to quit with the depressing outs now, maybe because my headache is back full force and I can't think of anything else...maybe.

my weekend

I love Friday, it's just one of those days when students can breathe a sigh of relief. It's sad how happy I get from a simple two day weekend. On a three to four day weekend...I'm ecstatic. But I will not be unthankful. This week was only four days so it went by kind of quick but it was a pretty tough week... All of my weeks have been tough this year, and I have a feeling that it will only get harder. Hopefully my grade twelve year will be easier but if I will be doing my Bio 12 and depending on how this year goes maybe my Physics and/or Chem 12 too! Those will be my only "hard" courses though...I think...I hope.

Tonight however I will not be doing any homework. I think if it's possible Friday will kind of be my "free" day. Free Friday kind of has a nice ring to it. It is just so nice to finish school on Friday and come home to do nothing of importance...at all! Tonight for example so far it looks as if I will be spending the night catching up on more Youtube beauty videos than I would care to admit...it's kind of embarrassing I will be the first to admit. I kind of am just in the mood to blog too. I love to put my browsers side by side and blog while I watch some Youtube videos so I might make a couple other posts tonight as well.

This weekend I don't have too much homework surprisingly so that's why I feel as if I can afford to take this little break. I have to do two Physics questions that I didn't finish last night because I was writing my English short story (8 pages later...) then I have a Math sheet to do that's thankfully pretty easy but takes quite long to write out every step. I also need to work on my Math project (one thing I don't really understand is Math projects but considering this one is easier I won't complain!) Lastly I have to do my Law essay, basically a small biography on one of the judges in the Supreme Court of Canada. Writing it out that sounds like a lot...its really not for me though, I mean I don't have any English or Modern History homework! Yaay.

Other then some homework I am hoping to chill out this weekend and take 'er easy. Maybe hang out with Cody or my mum but I really just want to take things very easy this weekend.

FML version: 11.10.11

I am quite the "quiet" person, if you knew me you wouldn't say that but I only have a few very close friends and would prefer to be on my own most of the time, even if I am with a friend 8/10 we would be discussing a fairly serious topic. Anyways the point is I am quite quite, I would like to believe I am quite respectful to those who deserve it, meaning that if someone shows respect towards me and acts mature than I will respect them too. Regardless of their age this is my personnal rule and I will always show respect until someone wrongs me or proves the do not deserve my respect.

Today I got me first call home, ever. I couldn't believe it, all because I did not finish a "journal" in class time. I just, can't believe it. I still am flipping out in my head. I do not get calls home and do not feel that I did anything to deserve this... I feel that this is so unfair, me, the student who does all of her work and tries her hardest always is getting in trouble and the students who do not do their work, talk constantly and don't listen aren't getting in trouble?

I try so hard in school and I just can't even put into words how...angry it makes me really. How all of those students who don't do anything are doing the same grade-wise as me(ish) and don't seem to be getting into trouble regardless of how many times the act out. It just makes me question, "Why even try?"

thankgiving weekend.

So the lovely thanksgiving weekend is now wrapping up, we also celebrated my mum's forty eighth birthday today! It's been a great weekend full of family and food, I really have so many things to be thankful for. :) One thing that has not been good this weekend, for me anyways, is the weather! For everyone else it was beautiful we had weather around 20 degrees+ the whole weekend...ya. I love fall to death, mentioned this before, but I just really want to wear my sweaters and knits and scarfs! I think it is ridiculous if you are going to get your Thankgiving veggies from the stalls and you are sweating your face off in jeans and a long sleeve shirt. :( I wasn't happy...

That is why actually I want to write this post, an inspiration for a rainy day on a monday! Because I just want it to be fall! This week is all supposed to be sunny until wednesday and then rain thursday and friday. Let's hope for some windchill tomorrow and wednesday, but here we go onto my inspiration lately:

(I love this little girl! She is so cute and I can so imagine dressing my little girl in this before telling her to go play outside!)

(Beautiful house! I love how the fall decorations are kept elegant with a simple fall wreath on the door and the pumpkins leading up the steps! The unraked leaves add a little touch too.)

(Such a beautiful shot of the woods during fall, I love the up close colourful leaves and how you can just make out some people in the background.)

(I love the "decorations" on this house too, with the colourful leaves adorning the sides of the house and chimney anything more then the simple wreath on the door would be too much!)

(I love how the neutral colour-sceme full of different textures and patterns just screams fall, I love the shelving around the fireplace and the basket they are using to hold the wood, such a neat concept! I wish I was there...)

(I love every. single. concept in this outfit! I love the HUGE oversized cardigan and want it. I have been loving a white collar under any cardigan lately and have been wanting on myself and the burnt orange pants are a great way to add that fall trend to an outfit, before this I hadn't seen it done in a way I liked!)

(This reminds me of the scarf I just finished knitting so of course I had to add it... Again, I love this gray cable-knit cardi and want it!)

(This looks so cozy! I really want to knit myself a blanket like this and have been toying with the idea since June when I learned how to knit! Again the sweater looks so cozy and I love the added affect of the mug in hand. Wish I was in this situation in front of a firplace with the wind howling outside)

(Isn't this kitty just adorable!!! I love him he looks so cute...aww, now I gotta go cuddle with my little darlings.)

So I have deduced by making this post that 1- The weather better get colder soon, much to my mother's chagrin, 2- I want to start knitting a huge, cozy blanket and a pullover sweater (both have been on my maybe list but now it's official), & 3- I must find more money to go by more cardigans...oh dear.

On a side note I finished Angels and Demons today, LOVED the book, it took so many 180's, I can see myself reading this book again and again and again for years to come and still finding knew things. It was such a good book a breezed through it in two days, I feel I could have finished sooner but it included some difficult language, very mathematical that sometimes you had to read twice.

heatwave-maritime style.

So I-as well as everyone who pays attention to the news-has been hearing about the heatwave that was all the rage over in the UK for the past week or so. I never thought it would get here...granted it has only been one day and I suspect it won't last for much longer than two days but still! It's October! I am someone who l-o-v-e-s fall. Fall and winter are easily my favorite seasons by far for many reasons but I won't get into that now.

I wasso excited that it was finally October and the temperature dropped. I put the fleece sheets on my bed, have been lighting all my candles, bought a new winter coat and I even started knitting a chunky dark grey scarf. So you can imagine my dismay that when I finally finish my scarf...we have 24 degree weather celcius outside. I mean come one Mother Nature! I am sure that many people are beyond ecstatic with the news of this small heatwave but I just can't find it in me. :(

Alright-rant over. Now it's time for me to do something with my day! Yesterday was my true day off during which I did absolutely nothing but surf the web and knit. Today however I have some serious making up to do because of that slack day. I have four projects I have to work on and also I have to make a trip to the mall to pick up my wonderful mummy some birthday presents!

four day weekends FTW and sad ramblings

Loving this whole feeling that even though tomorrow is a Friday, I will not be getting up! Unfortunately I have a shit load of homework to do over the weekend but regardless! Tomorrow, me and my bed will be catching up on some lost time.

This long weekend is so wonderful, I am over the moon. Wow...two days off of school after one month in and this is what happens to me! Sad... It's just...so stressful! Damn grade eleven, next year better be less stressful, everyone always says that grade eleven is the hardest year and so far I agree.

I think all of this stress has been affecting what little sanity that I had left. I swear I can be almost sobbing one hour to skipping down the store aisles singing "White and Nerdy" the next. All of this work and pressure has been messing with my brain! I am not even the same at swim, it seems this week that I can't even get through one practice with breaking down. Of course I break down when I have be goggles on and am swimming so no one can see but it has happened more then a few times just this week, actually to be specific it has happened at every practice I went to this week. Three.

I don't know what is wrong with me but I feel as if I am not good enough and I will never be good enough. Whenever Coach critiques one of my strokes or tells me to do say 200 IM pull I find myself thinking some very rude things about telling him where to go, how to get there and what to do. It's terrible! Swimming has, unfortunately, become more of a habit that a want lately. It seems as if I am just going to the pool and jumping in because it is expected of me rather than I actually want to go there, improve and get a good work out in. And this has for sure been affecting my strokes and my attitudes towards swimming in general along with my whole swim team.

For example, today when it was announced that out first meet would be against another regional high school sometime next week or the week after my gut didn't clench in anticipation or exhileration. No, instead I just felt dread and thought, I don't, won't and can't do this. I have lost the thrill of swimming, instead it just feels bland and I don't even want to.

I have no clue what I will do, most likely, scratch that, most definitely I will suck it the fuck up and swim anyways. Just because I don't want to be known as the-girl-who-quit-the-swim-team-and-let-the-whole-team-down. Once again, I will put my feelings in the back seat and shut up. Jesus, what happened to all that optimism I had at the start of this post about four day weekends?

physics tests, english essays & geometry assignments

Homework, homework, homework! Thank gods that I have a four day weekend the weekend. I forsee books, candles and tea in my near future, with long mornings in bed and perhaps some blogging? In an ideal world that is all that I would do all weekend but I think aiming for a Friday just like that seems perfect and reasonable.

Life lately has just been one huge ordeal and I have been so close on the edge of breaking down recently that I am hoping that this weekend will do me some good. It's time to just relax, unwind and forget about the stress I call life for one day.

After that it can be back to homework as usual. Thankfully after studying for a combined many, many hours I have got my Physics test out of the way this morning, which was a huge load off of my shoulders. I study enough that I know all the material but there is nothing I can do to get rid of how nervous I get right before a test! But that's over with now and there is nothing more I can do so I will not stress out about how I did, woo hoo!

Today I was on a roll because after stressing out for a week about my grade on my english essay I just re-calculated my mark and figured out that I had in fact recieved an 85% and not a 72%!! That means that I don't have to re-write the whole essay!

I swear, it finally feels as if the universe has decided, "Alright, we put a lot onto Miss Anna's shoulders lately so we will just back off for the time being!" The last few days have been days from Hell and I can't even fully explain why! I just know that know I got a better mark on my english essay and that I have a really easy level one math project due in two weeks time! Hullo taking pictures of random shapes and putting them in some form of presentation, scrapbook.

I really hope that this mood continues on into tomorrow, I could do with one more good day to start the weekend off.

october?!?

Wow, I can't believe October is here already. I took a...long...break from this blog over the summer and at the time that was what was right for me. Some days I felt like oh I should go and write something down but the feeling would soon pass. But here I am again just because I was reading over the last few entries and they really made me quite happy.

I started school almost a month ago now and really the month has flown. Grade eleven is a lot harder then I initially thought but mostly I am loving it. There has been a few bumps along the way; like the fact that I have Physics this year and the class I was most excited for, Law, turned out to be dud. Yet I am loving the challenge and it just make me think of how I only have one more year and then it is off on my own to university. A scary, yet very exciting, thought.

Right now I am beyond tired and just feel like curling up under my warm, fuzzy sheets so I will finish this post up. I really don't have anything else to talk about, well I suppose I do but nothing that I feel like elaborating on. I am officially going to Europe-Italy & Spain-next year. I learned how to knit over the summer, my great-grammie Goodine taught me and I am loving it! The only real reason I mention this is because I bought some new yarn tonight a thick. fuzzy, dark gray colour and already started making a new scarf, so excited to finish that! I also bought a pile of new books over the summer...and I swear I haven't finished more than 10. School has been taking up most of my time!!

With that I really am off, time to turn off the computer and blow out the candles, all that the late, late time of nine o'clock! Say whhaatt? Yes, I have been going to bed at embarrassingly early times since school began, actually nine is on the later half. My only comment is, why did I ever stop going to bed early!?! I love it! <3