i swear you look right through me

I saw him today...Chad I mean. After swim. When I first walked out I couldn't see him as he was standing at the foot of the stairs but then I did...and I couldn't stop looking over at him. It was like I wanted to make eye contact. I don't know what I would have done if he had looked my way, probably put my head down as soon as possible, but I just wanted him to see me. I don't know what I expected to see in his eyes and I don't even know if I could have handled it but in that moment I just wanted him to look at me, with pain, anger...indifference I don't know what would have been worse, but I got nothing.

I was the one who knew his telephone number off my heart before everyone.

As I walked to the car I couldn't help but glance out of the corner of my eye at him standing there as I put my bags in the backseat. I couldn't help but glance at him as I took my seat in front. But he never glanced my way. He remained there in the drizzle of the late afternoon rain standing stoically, indifferent to my futile attempts.

I was the one who would talk to him at night before everyone.

When my dad started driving off I wanted nothing more then to yell for him to stop. I wanted to turn around and ask Chad if he needed a drive home. I just wanted to talk to him.

I was the one who knew his middle name before everyone.

But I didn't. As we drove away, I fought back yet more tears as I thought of how far we have come... I am someone who firmly believes in that there is such a thing as too late. It feels too late, I don't know how to talk to him anymore, I don't know what to say, I don't know how to fix my mess.

The thing is, I know that if I told Chad what happened he would have laughed at me, "Anna, why didn't you just say something?" I can imagine him, laughing, shaking his head at me. Thinking I was being silly.

I feel so bad for just leaving him there, standing outside while it was sprinkling without even asking him if he needed a ride... I am sure he had one but this sitution feels like one huge metaphor that I don't like the translation to...

As I got in the car one of my favorite songs was playing Someone Like You by Adele. But this time when I listened to her voice the lyrics told a whole new tale."Old friend, why are you so shy?" "I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded/That for me it isn't over./Never mind, I'll find someone like you/I wish nothing but the best for you too/Don't forget me, I beg/I remember you said,"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,/Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,"Yeah."

No, for me it isn't over but I don't think I will every find someone like him. There will never be anyone who could take his place or even compare. And it hurts so much to think that. I haven't come to terms with this and I feel as if I never will.

I flipped through radio stations trying to find a station that wouldn't remind me of him. Country wouldn't do, we both enjoyed country and that made me think of "our song". Rock 'n' Roll it was then. But I couldn't get our song out of my head. Years and years and years ago while on the phone Chad and I discovered that we both enjoyed a certain song, Chad out of the blue said, "That'll be our song, Anna!" It was a little odd at the time none-the-less I enjoyed it. Now in hindsight, it is as if he predicted the end of our friendship... The song was, Like We Never Loved At All-Faith Hill ft. Tim McGraw.

"I swear you looked right through me/But I'm still living with your goodbye/And you're just going on with your life/How can you just walk on by/Without one tear in your eye?/Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?/Maybe that's just your way/Of dealing with the pain/Forgetting everything between our rise and fall"

"So tell me what your secret is?/To letting go, letting go like you did, like you did"