Grief, despair, loss.

Today I couldn't help but struggle with what was the "proper" way to deal with my grief. Even while thinking it I couldn't help but scold myself on how there was no proper guideline of instructions on showing your grief; you can hold it in, or let it out. I usually choose to hold it in. I knew I was being ridiculous but I couldn't help feeling like I didn't have a right to cry. Around me were people who were so much closer to Kenny, I never knew him that well so, why should I cry? But...after so many years of hiding away behind a wall, I am very open with my emotions. Sometimes it will come back to hurt me but, in my opinion, that is much better than bottling everything up. 

Even though I did not know him as well as I wish I had, Kenny was still my uncle. And for that, I love him. And for that, staring at his deceased corpse was unbelievably hard. 

After his long fight with cancer, his operation was his only chance at life. Ironically, this operation cost him his life. Everyone thought that we had seen the light at the end of the tunnel, that his fight was almost over. Coming out of surgery everything had seemed so promising, yet things turned so very fast. I would like to believe that Kenny did not suffer as he passed, and his heart contained memories of the good times with his family and friends. 

I suppose, however, that we were right in a way. Kenny's fight is now over and he will suffer no more. He will always be remembered and loved. The memories he has left us with will be cherished until we come to our final resting place as well. A candle will burn in my heart in memory of my uncle Kenny, always.

When the sun has set, no candle can replace it.

Today was the day that I had to return to school to obtain my marks and next years schedule. Now, my marks aren't as good as they were last semester but I am happy with them. I am not disappointed in myself in the least and I feel good. I have had to sort out my priorities a little this semester and perhaps that has taken from my marks but the goals I strived towards for my exams, I made! Of course there are going to be the thoughts that if I had done better on this or that I could have a better average but I can honestly say that I gave it my all this year, and looking at my marks, it has paid off for me. 

After getting my marks, I realized how amazing my teachers truly are. I had a teacher go above and beyond the call of duty today and it has made me prouder than ever to go to my school.

It was a scorcher in my town today--reaching 32 degrees--so my dad, my brother, and I met up at the lake and went for a swim to cool off before having a BBQ at home. It was one of those days that absolutely drains you, purely because of the heat and sun exposure. My skin still feels clammy after nine o'clock and I feel exhausted but I am finishing today at my dining room table with my laptop. One of my favourite things to do lately has been to edit my short story at this table near sunrise or sunset. The beauty of the sky offers the perfect view to gaze into as I decipher where Annabelle will go next. Of course, burning candles always prove to be the perfect companion for this journey.

And the secret garden bloomed and bloomed and every morning revealed new miracles.

I have had the movie based on The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett for absolutely ages. And I am talking about early middle school/late elementary school, back in the pre-pubescent years. Yet, for some reason, I never watched this film. It was about a week or more ago now that I stumbled across a picture of the book The Secret Garden online, before that I never even knew that it was a novel! Immediately, my mind remembered that I had this DVD stored in my room and I knew that I had to read the book before watching the movie.

The book, in my opinion, was magical. It was amazing. I have never rated a book with five stars before now but I knew the moment I finished reading that this was a Five Star Kind-Of Novel. From the very beginning I was drawn into this world created my Frances Hodgson Burnett and I never wanted to leave. Per usual, I feel that the book was much better then the film, but I may have a biased opinion. Regardless, whilst reading the book I felt immediate sympathy for the main character, Mary, even though she is presented as a spoiled little girl. I adored every character in the book and, for me, they did not feel flat at all. I feel that the characters are presented perfectly, I was not left with any enormous question and nor was I bored with the extrenuous details. This is not a story about romance but about friendship and trust and secrets and the magic that exists all around us.

The factor that earned this novel five stars, for me, with the descriptive writing. I absolutely adore descriptive writing, I get transported into novels very easily so when there are details describing the scene it is a huge selling point. But do not think this book had pages and pages of details to describe one scene! Merely it painted the backdrop in my mind perfectly. I was suddenly ten years old again and amongst the tendrils of roses hanging from the trees. I ran through the gardens with Dickon and Mary, followed by Soot and the robin in the air.

To me, this book was magical in every sense of the word. It has the magic of believing, the magic that only an innocent soul can have. Yet these innocent, young souls also have felt heartache and hurt before, they have experienced hardships or loss. There are possible deeper meaning to interpret but quite simply, the garden symbolized hope and re-growth to me.

This book carries with it, an important message. It stimulates imagination and shows what perseverance can do. It is a novel that I know I will be reading to my children some day.

One rose says more than a dozen.

Today was a gorgeous, hot, sunny Fathers' Day that, for my family, was spent on the beach. We all packed into the car around noon and what started out to be a horrible day turned into a pleasant family outing, I was pleasantly surprised. Hours were spent on a new found beach and now I can be found, quite exhausted, sprawled out on my bed with eyelids drooping. But I thought that after such a wonderful, sunny day that now would be a great time to write a post. Lately, I have really been wanting to do another one of these posts and over the last little bit it seems that I have accumulated a few photos that capture the simple happy moments.

The weekend before my exam week, my mum surprised me with a picked rose whilst I was studying for my Functions and Relations exam. She told me to keep it close and whenever I got too stressed out to take a whiff of this fragrant bud. The little reminder to smell the roses every once in awhile was much appreciated.

Being sick this past Friday night (and the whole week...) meant a hot cup of lemon balm and honey tea, with extra honey, and a surprise Caramilk bar followed by listening to music on the couch. It seems that a surprise never fails to brighten my mood. 

Today on the beach I spent more time than I would care to admit constructing this magnificent sand "castle" (moat, trap door, and shell-topped-roof included) for fun and as proof that you are never too old to play in the sand.

There is no friend as loyal as a good book.

It was with a deep breath that I finally faced what I have been avoiding for almost a year this morning...

After I got a cup of caffeine into my system I began stacking and sorting my collection and I was more than shocked with the end result.

Here I have pictured 57 different titles of novels--not including the three duplicates I acquired--of unread books. I don't know how it got so out of hand...or rather, I do and chose to ignore it. So, I have made it my goal to finish these books this summer, or at least the grand majority! And until then, I will limit myself on the amount of books I buy. I say limit because I do not do well with strict boundaries and to me, summer screams yard sales and finding second hand book stores full of gems. Out of this array of books I would say at least half (probably more) was bought at an SPCA sale last summer for 3$. Yes, I walked up to the old gentleman at the till, who happened to be a retired teacher, with a flat box full of books with more stuffed under my arms and he said, "ahh, a dollar please". I stared at him and asked him to repeat himself before stuffing three dollars into the old sweets tin that was being used as a cash box.

Needless to say, it rests easy on my conscience when I look at these books and know that a grand majority are second-hand, some are borrowed, some were gifts, and not one was bought by me at full price. Looking at these stacks I would say less than 35$ dollars came out of my own pocket and I can't really complain about that now can I? I know that these will be read without a doubt and until they are, no books will be bought by me at full price.

One Last Stepping Stone Away

It is with a remorseful smile that I say goodbye to this school year. In all honesty, I can't truly believe that it is already over for I feel as if this semester began only yesterday. But, as of today at approximately 10:40am I finished the last exam of my grade 11 year...and it still hasn't sunk in.

Looking back, it has been a crazy year, one full of a lot of great memories as well as the bad, of course. The definite downside to this school year was hurting my shoulder back it November, and the highlight was without a doubt Italy. Even though cat-fights occurred and friendships were tarnished, walking around the streets of Florence was magical. I parted ways from the crowd and got lost within the beauty of the stone walls...as well as getting lost literally as well. I was never scared, however, I was the epitome of calmness and serenity.  I kept walking, taking random turns, walking down the cobble stone streets, and I would eventually find myself on a road I remembered...before I would turn back to the labyrinth of side streets and begin a new journey, content I could find my way. I think, even above Rome, Florence was my favourite stop along the way, it was there that I received a taste of true freedom.

Looking back on the year, I am happy. A part of my wishes that, perhaps, I would have studied a little harder for that test, done a little better on the assignment, or tried a little more at that practice, but I have no regrets. I accomplished a great deal this school year and am amazed at it. I will not know my final marks until next week but I feel confident, I know that I gave it all that I could in the time frame I was in. It is easy to look at a test mark and think I should have studied more, but not as easy to look back at the nights you spent studying and remember the stress you were under to finish one more assignment or one more essay.

It is with fright that I say that I am no longer in grade eleven; as of next Thursday, I will officially be a senior. After that, it is only one more year. Only one more year within the confines of high school. Only one more year of spending my lunch hours at the pool. It really is frightening...and exciting at the same time. I can't say that I feel I am completely prepared for my graduating year, but I certainly am eager to be one step to my dreams of University.

Exam Week...

School is so close to being over that I can almost taste it! But that doesn't mean that it has been an easy ride getting here. This year has been tough, to put it lightly. I am hoping beyond hopes that next year will be calmer but I am sure that I will find some way to make it crazy. These last few weeks have all been in preparation for my exams that start Monday... Amidst studying the current material for tests and assignments I have also been trying to study the material we covered in February, which, let me tell you, is no easy feat. I am completely and utterly and unbelievably exhausted right now.

My routine lately has been: take half an hour to get up, throw on half-clean clothes, make it to school, get through classes, come home, lay on bed exhausted until supper, eat, study, sleep & repeat. Today, however, I varied slightly. I was laying on my bed, trying to find the effort to move my head and I thought there is no way that I will be able to get through studying without caffeine. So, it took a few minutes, but I got up and made my way downstairs to make a vanilla-infused coffee. I am currently milking the remaining dregs of said coffee and it is delicious. Caffeine really does work wonders...it got me through a 36 hr+ day last week and I am sure it will get me through many more.


I suppose, however, that I really must get to studying the impossible mathematical equations that Functions & Relations 111 entails as I have now accepted that there isn't a drop of coffee left in my mug. And, I suppose, I should also crack open my Chemistry textbook and attempt to remember when an atom decreases in size, or how to calculate the percentage of water, or how to balance equations. While I am at it, I should also study the Nitrogen and Carbon Cycles for Environmental Science. And practising sentence combining and précis writing for English would also be a good idea...

On the second hand...another cup of coffee sounds good.