Loving this whole feeling that even though tomorrow is a Friday, I will not be getting up! Unfortunately I have a shit load of homework to do over the weekend but regardless! Tomorrow, me and my bed will be catching up on some lost time.
This long weekend is so wonderful, I am over the moon. Wow...two days off of school after one month in and this is what happens to me! Sad... It's just...so stressful! Damn grade eleven, next year better be less stressful, everyone always says that grade eleven is the hardest year and so far I agree.
I think all of this stress has been affecting what little sanity that I had left. I swear I can be almost sobbing one hour to skipping down the store aisles singing "White and Nerdy" the next. All of this work and pressure has been messing with my brain! I am not even the same at swim, it seems this week that I can't even get through one practice with breaking down. Of course I break down when I have be goggles on and am swimming so no one can see but it has happened more then a few times just this week, actually to be specific it has happened at every practice I went to this week. Three.
I don't know what is wrong with me but I feel as if I am not good enough and I will never be good enough. Whenever Coach critiques one of my strokes or tells me to do say 200 IM pull I find myself thinking some very rude things about telling him where to go, how to get there and what to do. It's terrible! Swimming has, unfortunately, become more of a habit that a want lately. It seems as if I am just going to the pool and jumping in because it is expected of me rather than I actually want to go there, improve and get a good work out in. And this has for sure been affecting my strokes and my attitudes towards swimming in general along with my whole swim team.
For example, today when it was announced that out first meet would be against another regional high school sometime next week or the week after my gut didn't clench in anticipation or exhileration. No, instead I just felt dread and thought, I don't, won't and can't do this. I have lost the thrill of swimming, instead it just feels bland and I don't even want to.
I have no clue what I will do, most likely, scratch that, most definitely I will suck it the fuck up and swim anyways. Just because I don't want to be known as the-girl-who-quit-the-swim-team-and-let-the-whole-team-down. Once again, I will put my feelings in the back seat and shut up. Jesus, what happened to all that optimism I had at the start of this post about four day weekends?
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